Alice in Officeland.

My friend Shira needed the day off because last night was her birthday, so I am temping for her today. That means I am working in an office right now. A real, live office! There is a window, and when you look out the window, you see that it is daytime, which means that it is somewhere between 9am and 5pm.

Shira labeled 19 things with post-it notes and printed out a full page document with instructions. Then she wrote a note on the bottom of the document explaining that she labeled things. My advice for Shira is that next time she leaves a note that says she labeled things, she writes that note on another post-it, and leaves the post-it on the note. The point is, Shira labeled everything but the note.

If you’re confused, it’s because I’ve never “worked” in an “office.” One time, I had a job where I sat at a computer, but it was for a business that did birthday parties for kids, so I had the option to leave the desk and go jump in an inflatable basketball court. Which I never did on account of germs and a mild case of depression. I also did an internship at the Science Center of Iowa, and when I felt that I needed to get out of the office, I would simply grab a turtle and walk around with it and show it to kids. That was a benefit that I did take advantage of.

I actually think I would really like to work in a office, if I could mold the job around the following guidelines:

  • I can hold a reptile or an amphibian whenever I want (that’s a given).
  • There is an endless amount of office supplies that I can organize and also take home.
  • There is a kitchen fully stocked with all my favorite foods and the foods are free.
  • There is ALWAYS someone named Carol in the office at all times.
  • Live music, of course.
  • There is a tiny cushion for my forehead underneath the space bar on my keyboard.
  • The view from the window is: legendary, of course. Not only do I have a window, I have a sliding door that leads to a balcony. On the balcony there is a tree that grows money. When I pick the money off the tree, the money tells me a pretty decent joke. (Naturally, I remember this joke, and I use it at the Vitamin Water cooler). When I am finished laughing at the joke, the floor of the balcony drops out from below me, and I fall down a very long tunnel, and the tunnel has a bunch of hands reaching out from the walls like in the movie “Labyrinth,” only the hands high-five me all the way down. I land on my feet of course, right next to a gin and tonic that says “DRINK ME.” And I drink it. And then lunch is over and I go back to work.

So that’s my ideal office job, I guess!

NOTE: If you are a potential employer, and you somehow stumble upon this silly, silly post- I beg you to know that I am actually a very competent woman. I cannot, however, figure out how to leave this note on a post-it, on top of another note.

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