this is what happens when all of a sudden writing gives you terrible anxiety.

this is a story about a magic turd. if the turd comes to you and you accept it, then you get to have three wishes. but because it’s a turd, most people dismiss it as repulsive, and then they don’t get any wishes. therefore the turd cannot perform it’s magic.

but the thing is the turd WANTS to do magic, it’s just that the only people who will accept the turd and all of it’s powers, are dogs. and dogs cannot ask for wishes because the turd only speaks human languages. and not just english either. let’s say a german or japanese speaking person were to find the turd. all good, the turd could understand them.

so the magic turd did everything in it’s power to become beautiful, so that it could be accepted by a human and could grant three wishes and be happy again.

(This is where I get stuck and I ask Cole, “Now what?” And he says, “Is this an essay that you’re going to use to apply to Grad school? Because that will determine what kind of advice I would give you.” “Yes,” I decide. He thinks, and then says gently, “What if the turd finds a little boy?” I think about this for a minute and make some tweaks.)

one day a little squirrel stumbled across the magic turd. the squirrel was actually a human girl, who was turned into a squirrel by an evil witch.

now i know what you’re thinking- just what kind of turd are we talking about here? is it long and coiled, or mostly water? is it human? colors, etc.

oh i forgot to tell you- this is a choose your own adventure story.

(At this point I delete the whole story and I say, “Ugh, this is baloney.” Cole says, “Why did you delete it?” I quickly hit command Z, in case what I wrote was genius. “Well I’m not going to publish it, am I?” “Just save it as a draft,” He responds. Then he put on ‘Interview With a Vampire’ and began gleefully reading the opening credits out loud, saying things like “Thandie Newton’s in this?! Oh this is gonna be so spooky!”)

(I quickly grow irritated with this movie because I don’t like the score because it’s annoying, and then I also can’t hear a word that Brad Pitt is saying. But damn, Brad Pitt is hot!!)

(Tom Cruise kind of is too, believe it or not!!)

(Yo, vampires are sexy!!!)

(Because they look like women!!!)

so this little squirrel finds a turd and then they become friends and they both decide that they don’t need to be beautiful after all because ( Okay actually, GTG because now I’m watching this movie, but hey at least I tried. I ask Cole, who doesn’t know that he has become part of my story, if he has any last thoughts, and he looks up from his phone, on which he is reading the plot of the movie along with the movie, and says, “No, not really.”)


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