A comedian like you

Pia and Karen play cards, while Mickey tries to ignore them and focus on her book.

Karen: I signed up for an improv class!

Pia: Oh, great!

Mickey is suddenly interested.

Mickey: What does that even mean?

Karen: Improvisational comedy. I’m going to be a comedian, like you.

Mickey: Mom I don’t do improv. You’ve been to my shows- when do I ever do improv?

Karen: I’ve seen you do improv.

Pia: I think she means your standup has a very improvisational quality.

Mickey: Well, of course, I mean there’s always going to be a-

Karen: That one time the man in the front row was texting, and you called him a- no, you said he- Pia, what did she say to that texting man?

Pia: Oh yeah, she said his- he had a ponytail right? She said, I think she said that his ponytail was way too luscious to be sitting in the dark?

Mickey: No-

Karen: Yeahhh something about his ponytail-

Pia: Then she said she was going to eat his phone, like it was a $14.00 taco?

Karen: That I didn’t understand.

Pia: It was like a hipster joke… kind of a bad one.

Mickey: You guys are the worst.

She turns back to her book. 

Mickey: Whatever. I hope you have fun, Mom, I think it will be good for you.

Karen: I think it will. Denny always said I was funny.

They sit in somber silence. Pia pats Karen’s shoulder. 

Mickey: Oh, come on, he’s not dead. You left him in Wisconsin!

Pia: Mickey, your mom just made a huge life change. When you dismiss her feelings like that you invalidate her brave choices. Karen? Do you have anything you’d like to add?

Karen is scrolling through Facebook on her phone. They wait for her to answer. 

Mickey: Mom. Pia is waiting for you to tell me that I hurt your feelings so that I can apologize.

Karen: Sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. Donna just posted this video of a cat at a grocery store, ordering something from the meat counter.

Pia locks eyes with a smug Mickey.

Mickey: She’s gonna be fine.

half your age

Mickey grabs a beer from the fridge. Thinks long and hard about whether or not she should take one for Garrett too. Decides to put them both away, and pours them each a glass of orange juice instead. 

Pia comes home, looking pissed off and exhausted.

Mickey: Hey! How was work?

Pia: I had to wear this giant, like, plastic dress thing with a bunch of little slits in it, and then they locked champagne flutes into them like a puzzle. And I was also on rollerblades. So basically I was a giant drink tray on wheels. For 6 hours.

Mickey: Wow, cool!

Pia: No, Mickey, it was awful! At one point this guy grabbed a champagne from one of the slots and said to his friends, “see, this is why you send your daughters to college!” And they all thought it was hilarious, of course. I have a phD!

Mickey: Yeah, in Peace Studies.

Pia: Which is exactly why I didn’t punch that motherfucker in the head.

Mickey: Don’t you think therapy would have been cheaper than another 3 years of school?

Pia: I don’t need therapy! Hey- what are you doing up so late? Why are you drinking orange juice? Oh my gosh, do you have someone over?

Mickey: Maybe. Maybe not.

Suddenly Garrett enters from Mickey’s room. He looks young. Not even 20. 

Garrett: Hey.

Pia: Oh, wow. Hi.

Mickey hands him a glass. 

Mickey: OJ?

Garrett: Does it have pulp?

Mickey reads the label on the bottle. 

Mickey: Mmm, yes.

Garrett: No thanks, I don’t like pulp in my orange juice.

Pia: I do.

She pours herself a glass of vodka and dumps the orange juice on top. 

They sit in awkward silence. 

Mickey: So… what are you gonna do now?

Garrett: I dunno. Probably keep hanging out with you.

He grabs a beer and heads back to Mickey’s room. 

Mickey: Cool. Cool cool cool.

Pia: Wooooooooooooow. He’s like, 20!

Mickey: No Pia, he’s 18.

Pia: WHAT, why?

Mickey: Because now that I’m 36, I can technically sleep with someone half my age. So I did. Because there’s absolutely nothing else special about being 36.

Pia: Where did you even meet an 18 year old?

Mickey: Snapchat.

She pulls a beer from the fridge. And then takes the whole case and heads to her room.

Mickey: Night.

Pia gets her phone from her purse. 

Pia: I should learn how to use Snapchat.